Supporting aging parents who refuse assistance
A familiar scenario unfolds: you observe your aging parent struggling to keep track of their finances or falling behind on household maintenance. They might be forgetting to take their medications or neglecting their personal hygiene. When you and your siblings propose hiring a caregiver to provide support, your parent dismisses the idea outright. Often, this proposal is met with anger and denial; your parent insists they are still self-sufficient and don’t need any assistance.
No matter the state of their home or their physical condition, you can’t force help on your elderly parents when they are competent and able to make their own decisions. Aging parents have the right to refuse assistance – that much is certain. But what do you do when it’s evident that your mom or dad needs some support? When, without it, you and your siblings constantly worry about their safety and health?
In situations where it’s clear that your parent requires a bit of help, it’s wise to address it now rather than wait for a major health crisis to occur. The following tips can help you persuade your parents to accept the care they need.
1. Understand their perspective
Your parents may fear losing their independence or feel embarrassed about their situation, and deny their limitations. Approach conversations with empathy and patience. Try to understand their fears and concerns without dismissing them.
2. Open the Lines of Communication
Initiate open and honest conversations early on. Use “I” statements to express your concerns without sounding accusatory. For example, “I worry about you living alone” instead of “You can’t take care of yourself.”
3. Involve Them in Decision-Making
Empower your parents by involving them in the decision-making process. Discuss various options and allow them to have a say in what kind of help they receive and how it’s delivered. This can help them feel more in control.
4. Start Small
Introduce help gradually. Start with arranging assistance with minor tasks like grocery shopping or housekeeping. Once they become comfortable with these, you can slowly introduce more significant assistance. This gradual approach can make the transition smoother.
5. Seek Professional Help
Sometimes, it’s easier for aging parents to accept advice from a professional rather than a family member. Consider enlisting the help of a care manager, social worker, or counselor who specializes in elder care. They can provide valuable insights and mediate difficult conversations.
6. Focus on Safety
Frame the need for help around safety rather than incapacity. Highlight how assistance can prevent falls, ensure medication adherence, or improve overall well-being. Emphasizing safety, and avoiding negative outcomes, can make the idea of accepting help more palatable.
7. Explore Community Resources
Look into community programs and services designed for seniors. Sometimes, the idea of engaging with a community can be more appealing than individual help. Programs like senior centers, adult day care, and transportation services can offer the support they need while maintaining their social connections. Community services can also reinforce the idea that lots of other people need support, too.
8. Respect Their Wishes
Ultimately, it’s important to respect your parents’ autonomy and wishes, even if it means they refuse help. As long as their decision doesn’t pose a serious risk, try to find a balance between respecting their independence and ensuring their safety.
9. Be Patient and Persistent
Change takes time. Be prepared for resistance and setbacks. Continue to offer support and revisit the conversation periodically. With patience and persistence, your parents may eventually become more open to accepting help.
10. Take Care of Yourself
Caring for aging parents can be emotionally and physically draining. Make sure you’re also taking care of your own well-being. Seek support from friends, support groups, or a therapist to help you cope with the stress and challenges you face.
Remember, the goal is to ensure your parents’ safety and well-being while respecting their dignity and independence. By approaching the situation with empathy, patience, and open communication, you can navigate this challenging time together.
At Courage Homecare Cooperative we understand how challenging it is to manage a parent refusing help and we’d be happy to help you as you navigate through this time.
